Moral Development in Children

Manners are Christian Charity

Manners are how we display God’s charity and beauty in the world. It is essential that when teaching our children, we are aware of how they may be falling into a vice (whether in excess or deficiency) to ensure they maintain a balanced, Christ-centred life of virtuous excellence.

Now, how do we accomplish this for them to master manners to nourish a virtuous heart?

Affirming the virtue in praise and naming the vice in correction.

They need to hear and feel goodness when their manners are aligned with how God calls them to act.

Additionally, they need to hear and logically understand the vices they should avoid.

By naming the good and evil in their formative years (the first 7 years of their life), by the time they reach the age of reason (around 7), they will be able to identify it themselves and know how to navigate life maturely and confidently.

Some Examples for Naming Virtue

Say your infant made their first steps without holding onto something. You are excited, clap, smile big, hug them when they come into your arms, and say, “What great perseverance, strength, and confidence! You did that all by yourself! Great job! Big hug!”
They start hearing how their small actions (even if they are things we may take for granted daily, like being able to walk) are worthy of acknowledgment and affirmation of the virtue they accomplished in this task.
Another example is your toddler figuring out how to put their shoes on the right feet without a reminder.
You stop and affirm them, saying, “Look at how well you did! You were confident in doing it right on your own, and your determination paid off, as you succeeded this time. I am so proud of you. High Five!”

These examples will train their brains to recognize how they accomplish specific actions through practice and achieve a virtue in that moment.

Now, when they are learning their manners and hear how this action accomplished an end goal (a virtue), they will want to repeat it because their heart was instructed of its purpose, and it clings to truth.

The more we name virtues when people do things well, the more likely they are to desire them for themselves as they hear how goodness is rooted in them. Their speech will also develop a rich sense of charity.

They will become skilled at observing others' actions and affirming to them the virtues they demonstrated well. This trains the mind and tongue to have their words bring to life Proverbs 16: 20-24.

Proverbs 16: 20-24

“The learned in word shall find good things: and he that trusteth in the Lord is blessed. The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and he that is sweet in words shall attain to greater things. Knowledge is a fountain of life to him that possesseth it: the instruction of fools is foolishness. The heart of the wise shall instruct his mouth: and shall add grace to his lips. Well-ordered words are as a honeycomb: sweet to the soul, and healthy to the bones.”

Naming Vices in Correction

Now, when they are learning certain types of behaviour, such as sharing well, we have to identify the vice that is causing the issue and explain how it is a problem.

Once we advise them that the action leads to a vice, we explain to them a better way they could have handled the situation and identify the virtue that the behaviour is good.

Let’s use the example of sharing to illustrate what I mean here.

Say your child doesn’t want someone to play with a particular toy and steals it out of their hand. This is an abrupt stop moment as it violates the 8th Commandment of “Thou shalt not steal” (Exodus 20:15) and in a way “Thou shalt not covet your neighbour's goods" (Exodus 20:17).

Here is how to play this concept out:

You go to them and say, “Oh, no, sweetheart. This is called stealing because you took it away without permission. We can’t take something away from someone else because we are jealous, have envy, and want it. This isn’t good sharing. How can we have a more peaceful playtime and respect our neighbours? Can we say, “Once you are done with it, may I have a turn?” And if we can’t share this toy well because it causes too much anger and fighting, it gets removed and becomes a Mommy toy until we learn how to be kind to people during playtime. Can we do that?”

Remember, their brains give us cognitive cues, saying, “Hey, I don’t yet know how to achieve this milestone or concept. I need help!” You guide them and explain how to achieve the good and what is wrong in the situation.
If they say yes, then let them practice sharing well. If they learn right away, affirm their virtue! “This is much better. Great job at choosing humility and patience. You are a great friend.”
If they say no and throw a tantrum, take it away and name the vice: “Okay, it now becomes a Mommy toy. When something gets in the way of us treating others with respect, we remove it from our lives. Your actions lead to this. When you are ready to play nicely with this toy and others, it will come back inside for playtime. But since we chose jealousy and envy, it will now be removed.” This approach encourages them to sting their pride, prompting them to admit defeat immediately, and they are encouraged to cultivate humility, patience, and understanding.
Once they admit defeat, they will cry and ask you to return the toy. See if they are truly repentant of this action. Prompt them and say, “Is there something you want to say or realize?” Let them emotionally process their feelings here without shutting them down.
If they explain how they just wanted it to be their turn and it hurts to see the toy gone, follow it with compassion; “I know this toy is special. Others want to enjoy it too. It is important to share goods so that many people can benefit from them. If we choose to be jealous and take what belongs to someone else, it hurts the person who owns it or has it in their possession. We must ask with gentleness and practice for things we want to use too. If you would like this back, what do you need to say? And who would you say sorry to?”
Get them to walk over to the person they hurt first and apologize for their actions. Have them seek mercy and forgiveness. This will mend the relationship on an emotional level. Teach them how to share well by showing them ways they can use it simultaneously or occupy themselves to be patient. They will perform well if given options on how to obtain the virtue. Affirm now that you are proud of overcoming a difficulty and choosing the more virtuous option!

This method of "affirming virtue in praise and naming the vice in correction" is crucial for character development, as it inwardly converts the heart to choose to do good.

You teach children what the consequences of that action would lead to, how to be responsible, and how to act more virtuously in that moment.

The more you do this, the more they learn Biblical truths in everyday interactions and ways Christ calls us to live out the Word of God.