Teaching Children Self-Awareness and Discernment

Let's ask ourselves...

How do we get them to draw connections and discern right from wrong on their own?

How do we teach them self-awareness of these things?

How can we do this so that manners stick and don’t disappear when they are older? 

Here’s the trick.

When you use the “affirming virtue in praise and naming vices in correction” method to every life lesson, you teach them to be well-mannered and choose selflessness in every action.

What happens is their brain starts categorizing everything as “good and holy” as well as “bad and sinful.” Before they reach the age of reason, if you have done this for every action, their brain will stop and say, “Okay, how can I be selfless and put others first?”

They will start to hear how you guided them in recognizing what leads to vice and how they must act in virtuous excellence. They will begin to choose selfless manners for themselves.

You will have provided them with a moral compass for understanding the importance and priority of manners. 

When you first start using this method with your children, they may come to you and start crying, but not know why.

Prompt the 5 W’s 1 H questions about the situation to see how they experienced their internal motives.

The one that elicits a high scream or more tears… 90% of the time, it's the lesson to be learned, but they don’t know how to put it into words or rationalize it; walking them through how to navigate the better solution will teach them how to pause and consider the needs of others. 

Sharing Example

Let’s use the sharing toy example.

When they reach that moment of defeat and come crying to you, silently and compassionately comfort them first, then help them form their conscience as the tears slowly subside; this means they are more ready to listen. Prompt some questions: 

• Why did you steal it? Is it because you wanted it for yourself? 

• What do you think about how taking it away made them feel? Sad, mad, angry, disappointed? 

• How would you feel if someone did this to you? 

• When do you think the best approach to playing with it would have been: right away or patiently waiting? 

• Where were other toys you could have grabbed to wait patiently?

Whatever question they cry out louder for or get angrier about is the interior obstacle they need your help navigating. They need your guidance on how to overcome that life lesson.

Their pitch and volume will help you understand their need to grow in that moment. The more you prompt these questions in ways that highlight their behaviour, and you catch the volume pitch change, they will gradually improve at self-awareness.

They will feel comfortable enough to come to you and ask for your input about the thing they get most angry about because you have proven yourself worthy of being trusted with their raw feelings and have demonstrated the ability to overcome those life challenges.

This will foster loyalty and respect between parent and child. They will learn that you are there for them and will help them figure it out.

This increases emotional maturity

Implementing this approach for my children as early as infancy will ensure that by the time they are 3.5 years old, they will have developed the emotional maturity to recognize their own emotions.

When they come to me and hear their pitch change, and I say, “Oh, found it. Okay.” They laugh because they know they've identified the problem in that moment with me and ask me how to improve at the thing they're struggling with, as it's hard for them.

They find it amusing how their pitch change tells me what they need, but they realize it is what they sincerely want help overcoming. I offer them my best advice on choosing virtue and behaving well. 

This method teaches them that their actions have meaning and purpose. Manners aren’t just about how to act well. It is much deeper than that.

They want to know why this is true, good, and beautiful. They want to learn to be seen, to do good, and to make us proud.

When we catch them while they live in a state of imperfection, they want to hear why this correction is necessary and what good it serves. They want to do the good, holy, and righteous thing, but need our guidance.

This is why we teach manners with virtue and explain the vices to correct their imperfect behaviours. They are not being brats. They are simply trying to navigate how to accomplish the greatest good and are seeking ways to achieve that.

By affirming their virtue and teaching them how to turn away from vice, they will learn how to navigate it well. Manners and virtues are inseparable, as manners are a selfless way to serve others by choosing the moral good in each action.

We hope the rest of the chapters in this book will help you realize what virtues to call out in each action in life to teach the good. May it be a lifelong guide constantly referenced to help navigate life while refining one's conscience to choose good, selfless manners.